As I said before, relationships shouldn’t be something you need to work toward achieving. If something needs to be worked toward, then obviously something is broken. That should NOT be the case. One of the critical factors is knowing your own flaws. A lot of people, I’d say most but don’t want to be too broad here, are too afraid to look deep inside themselves to see what’s really there. Sometimes people do take that step, and they don’t like what they see and choose to accept the habits they’ve formed over change. Everyone that has seen their own flaws is guilty of this. I’m guilty of it.

One of the flaws I had was being too passive, too willing to give everything for nothing. Too willing to go out of my way emotionally. I’d see things and want to fix them, which was one of the factors in drawing me into a few relationships. I know I’m not the only person who’s done this. You see someone that you know you can love, care for. You want to be the one that pulls that person out of the ditch they’re in. Any number of variables can account for the reasoning behind it. Maybe we feel that being the “savior” will open the other person’s eyes to reality. They will see you for what you are. They will see you are genuine. But the kicker is, when you help someone off the ground, you aren’t always helping them. There are people who will accept your leniency with gratitude. They will use that to help themselves. They will be productive, and they will return everything you have done ten-fold just to show you thanks. Then there are those that keep their eyes closed as if they have no idea it was you. They forget why you’re there. They use you to do anything and everything they want to do. In the end, you walk away burned out emotionally. This is where the majority of my experience lies.

At certain points, you will break down. You’ll have nothing but unanswered questions. Questions you should never have to ask yourself or anyone else for that matter. Some of the questions I asked myself have been answered. I stated my thoughts on some of them in the previous two blogs I posted on this subject. The usual question of course being “why?” Since everyone is different, it is sometimes difficult to answer that question. You either have to know what the other person is thinking, if they’re thinking at all, or you have to understand human nature in general.

I wrote another piece about the past, present and future, but have yet to post it. I’m going to have to reread it and make sure it makes sense before I do post it, IF I do, but writing that gave me some answers to more questions I had.

In my first blog about relationship etiquette, I made mention of the past. People drag along baggage for years. Namely, the dreaded “ex.” Such items of interest as “My ex and I used to have sex in my car and I used to sit in this position…” Something that happened in the past, something I never wanted to hear about, know about, and certainly did not want a visual of. It’s a useless continuation of something that should have been left far behind, but is incessantly made mention of, and always at the worst possible moments. In my past, I have been in relationships with people who for whatever reason stayed in touch with their ex, or exes. My question is, “If you are here with ME now, then why do you NEED to sit here on the phone with your ex? Furthermore, why must you do it in MY home?”

The writing I did about the past, present and future gave me some thoughts on this.

Naturally, the past, present, and future are closely intertwined. As I stated earlier in this post, a lot of people do not want to see inside of themselves. They don’t want to see the flaws, and they certainly do not want to change. They want to maintain a steady routine of daily habits. This leads me to believe that things that have happened in the past, in some way regardless of how good or bad they are, maintain some sort of comforting effect in the present. For example: Although Air Force basic training was not a pleasant experience, by the end of it, I was used to the routine. I could have stayed in that environment for years comfortably. Moving on was difficult, new routine, new everything. But I survived, just as millions of people in the military have, through far worse times than I could possibly imagine.

That explanation would be the easy road to take. Knowing how people think, I know that’s not the ultimate answer. I know that people don’t hold onto certain things because they just need a “woobie.” As with anything else, there’s more than one reason.

One of them is insecurity. I was once called insecure by someone because this individual wanted to see other people while we were together. That was a total mind screw. For some time, I thought there was something wrong with me, and there was. The thing that was wrong with me was that I was codependent. I did everything I could to keep things together. It took me a long time to come to terms what the reality was. Being told by someone they want to stay with you, but they want to see other people would make anyone feel insecure about themselves. Cause and effect. But the truth was that she was insecure to begin with. At the point where you do not feel that the person you are with, no matter how much love they show you, is not providing you with enough reassurance about yourself and you feel the need to seek outside sources, then you are the one that is insecure. After much thought, I came to the realization that someone who has sex with every person that looks them in the eye is more than likely lacking something. And that something is self confidence.

How in God’s name is self-confidence lacking in someone that has sex with everyone in their city you ask? Simple: If you don’t feel you are attractive, but someone will have sex with you, then obviously that person is attracted to you, right? So if you have sex with 10 people, that’s 10 people that are attracted to you, and have shown you their “approval” of who you are. But what you do not realize my friend, is that you have only been used. It doesn’t matter how attractive or unattractive you are. There are plenty of people out there who will have sex with anyone and everything. Everyone has an equal chance. If you try to tell me I’m wrong, you’re only fooling yourself. The truth is, if you are the type of person that wants to go home with every guy at the bar every weekend, you might as well be accepting money for it. In the end, it’s just like being a prostitute. The only difference is that a prostitute is actually trying to expand their savings account by being used.

Going back to the past, you can now see why people will drag their exes with them to each and every relationship. It is a reassurance. That person still feels the same way about them. Or they still want to be friends. “If he wants to be my friend still, then obviously there’s something good about me and that makes me feel good!” But by doing that, you make the next poor bastard that comes along feel like crap because your old boyfriend is still in the pictures. As the saying goes, “Bros before hos,” so the ex is obviously always going to be the person at the top of your priority list should anything arise.

That’s another thing. NEVER put your friends before your significant other. My best friend’s name is Jack. His wife and kids are first in his life. Any time I’ve been in a relationship. My significant other was first in my life. That meant pushing my friends aside. And at times I haven’t been able to hang out with my friends because they were with their significant others and families. That is the way it is supposed to be. It’s a matter of respect. It’s a matter of showing that person that you are focused on them. And no matter how long you’ve been with someone, you can never know everything about them. You’ll never know every conversation they’ve had on the phone. Every word they’ve written or spoken. And those are small examples.

As I have mentioned before, it is important to give and take. It shouldn’t be give, or take alone. Remember what I said about being drained emotionally? This is one example of how one person can give everything they can emotionally while the other person takes but never contributes his or herself to the relationship. One person leaves feeling fine, and the other person can barely stand on their own two feet. I’ve been there, and know what to watch out for. Everyone does. It’s a matter of being able to see the indications and getting the hell out of there as soon as possible. Remember, you can’t change people, and you shouldn’t want to.

It is better to leave with a broken heart than with everything broken.

If you suddenly feel that the person you are with needs to change, then you need to walk away. As hard as it may be, you have to make the logical choice. These choices can be some of the most difficult choices you can imagine. But sometimes it just has to be done. Short of killing someone, you feel like you’re killing yourself inside. I’ve been in relationships where I felt that things would work better if the other person would simply wake up and do things the way they should be done. Maybe if I acted a certain way, or if I sat down and talked with them, I’d be able to get them to see the light. Whether I sat down and spoke intellectually, or if I spoke like they were 2 years old so they’d be able to grasp the simplicity of it all, none of it worked. People are generally set in their ways. And it takes a lot to get someone to walk a different path. That has to be up to them. Again, you should not have to work toward getting a relationship to work. Arguments happen, but it shouldn’t get past that point.

A few brief points of interest:

One of the things that I think is very important, is to never go to bed angry. One natural downside is loss of sleep. And of course, when you lose a lot of sleep, you get up in the morning for work angry as hell. So you’re in a bad mood all day at work, you’re dead tired, and nothing is resolved. More than likely, you’re fighting over something stupid. Knock it off.

If you’re living with someone, it’s not ok to spend all night “out” somewhere. Hey, if you want to go out with your friends, that’s fine. But there comes a time when it becomes unacceptable. You have plenty of time in life to go out and play. Once you accept the responsibility of being in a relationship, there comes the responsibility of adulthood. This is especially important if you have children involved. Simple common knowledge; people typically do most of their drinking at night. Your chances of not making it home because of a drunk driver or an accident significantly increases during this time.

Never take the relationship lightly. In a worst case scenario, one of you could die. I have also experienced this. No matter what, make sure the person you are with knows how you feel at all times. Any second could be your last. If you go to bed angry, you might wake up in the morning and find that your significant other has died in their sleep. If you think this is funny, or if it’s a joke, I can only hope you don’t experience this kind of pain. There is nothing like it.

Here’s a biggie. Don’t cheat. I’m not exactly sure what possesses people other than insecurity in themselves to go out and cheat on someone they have allegedly made a commitment to. If you fall into this category, you obviously have not experienced the pain of being cheated on, or if you have, you’ve completely blocked off all emotion and are merely doing it to get back at the opposite sex for slighting you. This is one of the most vile things you can do to someone. Dragging your ex into a new relationship is about equal to this in my eyes.

Stay sober. There seems to be a fine line between social drinking and alcoholism. There’s a big difference between coming home from work once in a while, or going out from time to time on the weekends to go out and have a few drinks. If you’d rather spend more time choking down a bottle of vodka, rather than spending time with your significant other, then you have a problem. It can drive a wedge into any relationship. And the important thing to remember is that anything you do can become a wedge. You just have to know what the limits are and where the lines need to be drawn.

Get to know who you’re with. Find out as much as you can before you make the possible mistake of getting married. Weigh the pros and the cons. There is nothing wrong with overanalyzing, because it is generally caused by your gut instinct. If your gut tells you that something is wrong, more than likely, there IS something wrong, and you need to listen to that.

Don’t sleep around with every person you meet. Do you honestly think that you can just pick someone to settle with that will be “ok” with knowing you’ve slept with 30 or 40 people? It’s disgusting. Whether you realize it or not, no one wants a whore, and that is directed toward both men and women. Would you like to settle down with, and marry someone you know has had sex with a few dozen other people? It’s NOT ok, and I will NOT “get over it.” I don’t want to be with someone who’s shared themself with everyone and their brother. Quite frankly it makes me sick to my stomach. Believe it or not, sex does mean something. If you think it doesn’t, please get off my planet. That goes out to every shallow person out there that says “The amount of people you sleep with is just a number.”

Don’t use people for money. Eventually, money runs out and you’re screwed. Eventually, you will be figured out. Can you honestly go on with a clear conscience?

Everything I’ve said has been said out of observations made over a long period of time. Now that I think about it, it’s roughly 20 years of observation. I’ve seen a lot of things happen in life since childhood, and I’ve kept a lot of mental notes. Men say they don’t know how women think, and women say that think a guy only thinks about sex. I’ve just told you different. If you want to know how a male thinks, a male with any decency left in him, and you’ve read this, then now you understand. I’m standing for what I believe. I do understand that nothing in life works exactly the way you want it to, based on the lack of control we have over any and every little action, reaction, and hope we have in life. However, it’s important to keep things in mind when you’re involving someone else in your life.

Everything I’ve said over the past couple days is a summary of many thoughts I’ve had. I know it didn’t all come out perfect, and some of it veered off bit from the main objective. But what it all boils down to is having consideration for other people. Keep some common sense in mind, and stop being naïve. Pretending to be innocent about your actions, pretending as though you don’t realize your actions have equal reactions isn’t going to change the fact that they do. Society as a whole needs to grow up. People need to learn decency, respect, and common sense. It seems as though it’s been lost through the years. Most of all, embrace morals. We’re given these things for a very good, specific reason. Don’t throw that aside because you feel like you’ve either been sheltered, or because you weren’t brought up with them in the first place.

If at any time I seemed aggressive or angry in any of this, I assure you, I was angry typing ALL of it. I have every right to be. I will no longer put up with inconsideration and stupidity. If that bothers you, it is not my problem.

I hope you enjoyed the read.